TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of spot. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have One more area exactly where American Males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer everyone a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open Trump Tower Damascus a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he should really stop using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the project, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where company may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "exactly where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is already attracting consideration from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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